DELUSION: or Illusion, is it ALL False Experience Appearing Real(FEAR)?
/Edition 2 Issue #36
I’m a victim of delusional thinking. One moment I’m a low life loser and the next moment I think I’m the cat’s ass; delusions of grandeur followed by deep depression. God’s gift to women, the most intelligent and spiritual being on the planet and I’m, like, better than all of you combined. The next moments I’m depressed, suicidal, and looking to jump of the Brooklyn Bridge. For years I was caught in the grips of alcoholism and addiction. My inner thought was such as I truly thought I was a piece of shit, I was a good-for-nothing… I was being punished by an all-powerful deity (I was brought up Roman Catholic and was made to believe such falsehoods) sitting on his throne; because I was a sinner! Deep inside I felt lesser than. I was in good shape. I was successful; I had many friends, or at least a good entourage. I was at the top of my game, yet deep inside I was harboring the awful secret I wasn’t measuring up to: my boss, my parents, my peers, my friends, society as a whole, and mostly wasn’t measuring up to myself… Oh the HORROR I FELT!
Pit of me Stomach
The feeling was so deep down that even when things were at their best, there was this little feeling deep in the inner gut, in the pit of my stomach. The hurt (look for next week’s post on HURT, be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter to receive it directly you won’t miss a beat) and shame. The guilt and shame (Read our past blog on “GUILT and SHAME” December 17th, 2015 edition. SUBSCRIBE today to be sure to receive the blogs directly to your inbox) of the past was sticking to me like crazy glue. I needed to find a way to convert this to Teflon from the crazy glue, which kept this deep inner feeling.
CHANGE
It’s all about Change; Transformational Change (read our blog on “CHANGE” from January 14th, 2015 edition. SUBSCRIBE today to be sure to receive the blogs directly to your inbox)
The change that comes about, for me it was through the 12 Step work. I had to do a total and complete inventory of myself, my past, and the damage I created or the harm of what was done to me, what I did to others in return; retaliation for the pain I suffered. I found out recently this is all gone, with the release through forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude, and reconciliation; the damage of the past is exactly that: the past! Any and all bad thoughts, thoughts of how bad I am, how much I suffer, how horrible I am, how horrible my life was… all these thoughts are not real, they are past and gone, which was all an illusion. In the big book of AA, it read: “We do recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and …”
Well if I look closer at this quote, what it’s telling me with the word ‘seemingly’ is that it’s all an illusion. The wreckage of the past is just that: PAST! It’s gone: YESTERDAY’S GONE; there’s nothing you can do about yesterday. We need to let go, release and let go of the past, no matter what horrors are there. This is done with help, professional help, a sponsor, doing a complete and in depth moral inventory of ourselves; I did mine with the 12 Step work, and remember I share this in almost every post; you do not need to be an alcoholic to benefit from the 12 Step Program. Find a 12 Step support group near you, get a recommendation from your local community center, whether Sex- Anonymous, Gambling-A, Debtors-Anonymous, Co-dependents Anonymous …. There is a spot for you. YOU must take the first baby steps and reach out for help. YOU must reach out and then the Devine will guide you to the right place. Sit quietly and if you can’t Pray on it, just slow down your mind and ask for guidance. Ask your inner-self for wisdom and the strength to reach out for help.
REACHING OUT FOR HELP
It seems so easy to write this, but I know how difficult, how humiliating, how low one feels when you realize you are not able to do it all yourself. I, for one, thought I was so smart, know-it-all. I could quit drinking on sheer will power. Yet my addiction to alcohol was not a question of will and inability to get control my drinking (and/or drugging) It was created by a need to run from life, as I know it. I was hiding from myself in a bottle. I could no longer face the thoughts that where killing me, my head was exploding with shitty shitty thoughts and the desire to end it all. I needed the drink, or drug, or whatever to escape. This was not something which will power alone could help me stop. I needed outside help. I needed to reach out for help and I finally found the solution to all my problems in AA and the 12 Step Program of Recovery. Augmented with psychiatrists, drug and alcohol counsellors, an AA sponsor, the desire to completely and fully let go and do the work. This not only saved my life it gave me a new design for living of which I have to share with others.
MIRACLE OF RECOVERY
I have experienced such a miracle in my life that I am bound to share the experience with others. My life experience will be shared for as long as there is someone out there who is still suffering, who I may be able to assist, to help, who will be touched by my words on paper. Anyone and everyone who reads this I ask you to leave a comment. I ask of you to share it with your connections and Tweet, RT and help me get the message out there that there is a solution. There is a way out of depression and living a sub-standard life. It’s freely available to all who ask for help.
Look for next week’s edition on “HURT”. And be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter to receive it directly you won’t miss a beat.
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