Edition 1 Issue #8
Here’s a big one! INSANITY! Wow! When I was told I was insane when I drink, when I drug, when I feel the need to get my way, when I am selfish and self-centered I am in the grips of ego-mind! (Read my blog post on EGO-MIND at the end of January 2015. Subscribe now and you can get it delivered directly to your preferred email). What insanity! I do and act out in hurtful ways to get MY way. Most often not realizing I am hurting the ones I most love in life. Am I really INSANE? The answer for all of us alcoholics and addicts is an astounding YES! My thinking is on a level of insanity when I’m ego-driven, selfish thoughts are insane. I do and act in ways normal people would find appalling. And it’s not limited to those of us abuse drugs and/or alcohol and other harmful behaviors, but everyone feels separation from the Source (which I choose to call GOD, the GOD of my understanding and not a religious icon on a pedestal. More on this in another issue)
How do we move away from insanity, from the constant chirping in our head tells us it’s okay to do the things we do? We do the things we do because we know the things we know. If I don’t realize my insanity, that my actions are harmful to others, I will never be able to move forward. It’s when we realize, sometimes because someone says to us we need help, sometimes we see in ourselves, for a fleeting moment, we aren’t who we wish to be, who we once aspired to be. This is the moment of TRUTH, grasp it!
The moment of truth is when we realize there is something wrong. This is the first inkling into self-awareness. Grasp this moment and don’t let go. As soon as there is enough awareness to know there is a problem, you have identified ego-mind and ego-mind is harmful to the greater good of YOU! This is where you must tell ego-mind to get away, stand behind me ego. This is where we are open to the first step: “We have to complete admit to our innermost selves that we are alcoholics.” (This is the start of the 3rd paragraph of the chapter “More about Alcoholism” from the Big Book of AA. Step one.)
Or for me I interchange the word alcoholic to, and excuse me to those clean minded as I swear, I interchanged alcoholic to “I’m fucked”. I completely admitted to my innermost self that I was FUCKED, and that I could no longer safely direct my own life. I then surrendered my will and my life over to a power greater than myself and began a life based on prayer, meditation and completion of twelve step work. I did twelve step work to the best of my ability and have come out the other end with an understanding of a Greater Power, a GOD of my understanding where I can say, in all honesty:
GOD - Direct me in my thinking,
- Show me your will for me
- And Give me the Power to carry that out.
From the moment I became willing to allow a Power Greater than myself access to relieve me from the bondage of self. The bondage of self-centeredness, selfishness was the moment I allowed the miracle of self-awareness to enter my life, to open my soul to the beauties of the Divine, to allow the Grace of a Higher Power to relieve me from the torment of my selfishness and ego-mind. As I mentioned in past blogs, my dear departed friend Milton Merle would say: “My head’s got a contract out on my ass!” and sure enough I understand that left to my own devices I am a train wreck waiting to happen! But what exactly does all this mean? It means when I am running on self-will, when my ego is running the show; I am selfish and self-centred to the core and only leave a legacy of harm and hurtful behind in my wake.
Salvation begins when the realization is there, the step to surrender is realization. When we see in ourselves we are beaten down by the demoralizing desperation to end it all. To no longer live on self-will run riot. This is the moment of truth where we can be open to help. Help of a Divine Entity which indeed permeates through everything and which has its center in a place which is indeed Miraculous, This place is in your Heart. This place which is indeed miraculous is in YOU HEART! May YOU FIND THIS NOW!
Finding the Great Gift of Grace within your Heart: It’s been there all along and waiting for us to grasp it and hold on with dear life. Most of my life I held on with all I had to the things that were killing me. I was so afraid of change, change is a scary place therefore we hold on for dear life to our default setting. No matter how painful this default setting, no matter what damage we cause in the past, we can’t let go of the default, no matter how painful, we can’t let go of our default. This is our place of comfort, our comfort zone, and even as it gets worse, we hand on. We fear change; we are living in fear, in fear of change, in fear of ourselves, in FEAR as a permanent state and we so fear change.
It’s only in change that we can achieve Salvation from the bondage of self, Salvation from this life of pain, from this life of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different outcomes (Albert Einstein told us we can’t solve the problem with the same thinking caused it, or something to that effect.) We must embrace change for the better, let go of the things are killing us, the things holding us back from a life of ease and comfort. A life of freedom and Serenity; may you find this NOW!
Look for next week’s edition on “GUILT & SHAME”. And be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter to receive it directly you won’t miss a beat.