Edition 1 Issue #9
I’ve been posting on Wednesdays since we went live on October 22, 2014 and will continued with the weekly post which ultimately we may shift to a twice weekly, or possibly a daily newsletter with writings from selected contributors, but I felt a need to write this 12/12 blog and to let you all know that even though I write mostly about the 12 Steps in recovery highlighting Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous in particular, and our journey to enlightenment through a Spiritual Solution. I want you to know that our outreach is far more than to the alcoholic and the addict. We support and recommend, in effect, anyone who is suffering and especially victims of abuse or bullying, and other terrible tragedy leads to depression, being overly self-critical and self-harm, and ultimately to addiction or suicidal thoughts. You need us, and we are here for you because we know what it’s like to be a victim.
We know what it’s like to feel lesser than, to feel neglected or abused, and bullied and stuff because we have been there… We so understand what it’s like ‘cause for a lot of us that’s when the addiction started to ease the pain of abuse, and the cycle started into drug and alcohol abuse, to numb the pain. To escape from reality, to dull the desperation we felt. It started with the neglect, or the physical and then sexual abuse and led to drinking and drugging and then to prostitution either as a runaway or to pay the pusher for the dope; and then the pusher became the pimp. The cycle of infinite desperation commences and then never stops until we find a glimmer of hope.
This is where we come in. We offer not only HOPE, but a Spiritual Solution to the problems of not being able to cope with life as we know it. So we had to find a different way. Some of us found the Spiritual Solution in Narcotics Anonymous and the 12 Step work. Others found Salvation through the 12 Step work of the original Alcoholics Anonymous groups; where we found people just like us who had lost at the game of life. They said “Stick with the winners.” I asked where are the winners if they are like me and lost at the game of life? Little did I know we are the chosen few who will recover from this seemingly hopeless place of mind and body. Who felt desperation and emptiness and through the 12 Step work and a Spiritual Awakening found our Creator; in a Power Greater than ourselves who restored us to sanity, because we had become insane! Insane, (read this week’s blog on INSANITY below) yes, I was out of my mind! Everything I did was to get my own way, was ego-driven and self-centered to the core. I was insane!
I needed to find a solution; and the solution found me through the Grace of a Higher Power. The Power we no longer knew we had. I had disconnected from Oneness without knowing it. I felt this hole in my stomach and continuously tried to fill the emptiness with outside things. With stuff, we stuffed our feelings with stuff, physical stuff like toys, bigger and better cars and homes, and TV’s; or with food, or alcohol or drugs or prescriptions and sometimes mixing one with the other, and for some of us all the above looking for bigger stuff, stronger stuff, more stuff, always stuff: Until we no longer wanted to be in this horrible world. For me, who now doesn’t believe there actually is a hell, I created my hell on earth, a place of despair and desperation, a place of emptiness and loathing. I no longer loved myself and so I felt so empty I needed a hell to manifest the feelings I had... Oh how wrong I was. How horrible a place I created for myself when Heaven is at the tip of my fingers, yet I didn’t know it. I thought I deserved what I got, what I had. I thought I deserved to be alone, empty, full of fear and depression. I thought I wasn’t worthy of the nicer things in life because of the things I had done, the things had been done to me. The way it was!
From DESPAIR to RELIEF
Here is how wrong I was. I didn’t have to live in hell. I didn’t have to live the feelings I had, it was all an illusion created from an insane mind who had lost sanity from excessive drugs and alcohol and abuse and everything. Then I found out it didn’t have to be this was. There was Hope; there was Hope in the discovery of twelve steps to freedom. The freedom from this self-serving and self-loathing, being empty of all feeling; freedom from bondage of self was in the inner work of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is where I found my Freedom. As I began the journey, thinking I was learning about addiction and alcoholism, I soon discovered the purpose was to find a Higher Power, a Power Greater than myself who would relieve me of the insanity I was living. I discovered the step work was not about finding out about alcoholism, but a journey of self-discovery, of inner work, and the journey to Enlightenment began. A Spiritual Solution was a hand and I had to completely give myself to the program to be able to manifest the Light I was being freely given. I learnt, among other things, that the Grace of God is at the tip of our fingers at all times. Having been given the power of choice, I had chosen to ignore it and let it sit there unused for so long. Unused Power of Creation, right there at my fingertips my whole life! Today I chose to accept this, to hold the Love and Light of the Infinite Source close to my heart. This Power: a Power Greater than ‘ourselves’ can be found in a miraculous place in our heart, or so the book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us. Right here in my heart the whole time, I chose to ignore it. So with the Hope of the twelve step work, I went from despair to relief. It wasn’t easy but the journey was worth it.
My salvation was in the steps and the inner work this gift which was freely given to be, helped by the others who had recognized this gift and held onto it for dear life as once we held onto the things which were killing us, we held onto them for dear life, and for some of us it killed them, for others it made us strong enough, to want it enough, to do the work to the best of our ability. Nowhere does the work tell us we need to be perfect, to work perfectly, it allows us to be human and assures us progress rather than perfection is the goal. And slowly, progressively the light shines brighter and brighter within us.. And God puts people, places and things in our path to help us grow, to help us shine and discover a whole new world. A whole new Heavenly place where we can discover Gratitude on a daily basis, on and moment to moment basis and we can feel the present moment like we never knew existed.
Yours in Love and Light,
Friend of Bill W. (I use the pseudonym, or pen name, “Bill Wilsonsfriend” on Facebook and other writings. For those who recognize me, I will ask you to protect my anonymity.)