EDITION 1 Issue #5


What does that mean? Who feels desperation? Why did I have to come to a place of complete and utter desperation to become willing to change?  The horrible and profound feelings of hopelessness and emptiness: Exasperation!  The hole in my heart that just won’t heal!

This place of desperation is hell.  So if we take for premise hell is but an illusion, a fabrication of theological misinformation, or translation error.  Or the condition ego-mind (for a better understanding of our take on “EGO-MIND” look for our blog on this in January 2015) creates to keep us locked in fear.  If we take for premise hell does not exist.  I created my own hell on earth to live the experience.  Ego-mind kept me in the grips of hell on Earth until I became desperate enough to be willing to change, to be willing to surrender my life, and my will, over to the care of GOD.  I needed to be in a place of complete emptiness and despair to become willing.  We don’t all have to come to such a deep and desperate place, I did and I now understand why.  I was so self-absorbed, so stubborn thinking I can fix me with the same thinking created the problem.  Well the very brilliant mind Einstein told us in the very much used quote we can’t fix a problem with the same kind of thinking which created it.  So I needed to surrender to the Great Power of Universal Mind, or a Power Greater than myself.  Some would call this omnipresent power GOD.  

“Hell is the state of the soul powerless to come out of itself, absolute self-centeredness, dark and evil isolation, i.e. final inability to love” - The Destiny of Man Nicolas Berdyaev: London 1937 pg. 351

What are the conditions applied to desperation sensations? How do we regenerate if we feel spiritually demoralized?

 Photo by author Temple in Zhejiang Province P.R. China      ©2014

Photo by author Temple in Zhejiang Province P.R. China     ©2014

Self-centeredness is a huge one. And taking the statement above for truth; the remedy for this “hell on earth” or despair is to come to terms with all that was, and go back to our past blogs (November 5, 2014 “ACCEPTANCE” and the week before and read October 29, 2014 of “FORGIVENESS”) and fully and completely come to terms and surrender (“SURRENDER” will be highlighted in the New Year -2015, subscribe today to be sure you don’t miss it.)  Coming to terms with all that is, and all that was.  Total acceptance and then surrender to the powerlessness of knowing God is the key to my Salvation.  Powerful as this last phrase is, it remains the truth.  As long as I remain in control of, or try to remain in control of my life, I am running on self-will, this perception I can remain in control is a fabrication of ego-mind. The ego-mind is so strong, so powerful and so deceiving.  As my late friend Milton used to say “my head got a contract out on my ass” and he knew full well this is his thinking, the self-centered, self-serving ego running amok telling us it will be okay this time.  If I pick up this once I will be able to control it.   If I just listen to my warped thinking I will be okay.  And I listen, I listen and then I have these feelings of desperation I am unloved, I am so lonely inside, and I try to fill this emptiness with outside issues.   Whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex….  I am trying to fill the whole in my soul, the emptiness and despair I fell, I try to fill and my thinking tells me it will be okay!  Well this is not the answer.




The answer comes first in the realization I have a problem.  The realization my life is unmanageable in the moral and inner self where I am unable to feel love, I am unable to get satisfaction from being.  I have been misled by my thinking, by my ego-mind who is trying to control my life and my body to the detriment of me.  What do I do?  I need to come to terms with this Idea of Salvation. (More on “SALVATION” in the New Year. Sign up now not to miss any issues)  What do I need to do?  I need to self-reflect and gain self-awareness. Where do I gain self-awareness?  We achieve self-awareness by the work of a twelve step program, a program of self-reflection and inner work, inner reflection which allows us to, not only come to terms with the deep rooted things from our past which are harming our forward development (this can be rooted in deep feelings of family of origin, or child abuse, of depression deep rooted within our being, of neglect, of separation syndrome….) the past which is hidden so deep inside we don’t know what is the root.  Until the day we commence the inner word of self-awareness leading to Salvation and acceptance of a Power Greater than ourselves will restore us to sanity.  When we are in the grips of ego-mind we are insane, we believe it will be different this time.  We continually do over and over and over the things which are killing us, expecting a different outcome the next time.  And each and every time we allow this warped thinking, or ego-mind the controls we wind up in self-sabotage and harm is done, often not only to ourselves but we hurt and abuse the loved ones closest to us.  Whether in neglect, in hurtful words or deeds, our actions are detrimental, and often insane.  And the worst is we don’t see the damage we have done until it’s too late.  For me the worst was the damage I did to my family and the ones I loved.  I continually pushed them away, thinking I was only hurting myself.  Thinking no one would be the wiser as my addiction got worse, as I lowered the bar on every aspect and circumstance in my life I lowered and lowered the bar and thought “nobody cares about me, as long as I stay away from the family, from my loved ones, they won’t know and it won’t hurt them.”   Well how wrong I was, how terribly selfish thinking, insane thinking, how can I live like this?  The ego driven emptiness had to be filled with something, and that something was killing me and my family, my loved ones.





Until the day I became completely willing to give myself to a simple program of recovery and self-awareness which was the 12 Step Program saved my life, renewed my connection with my family, rebuilt destroyed bridges and gave me the self-love, God centered self-awareness returned me to sanity.  This was achieved through Atonement (more on “ATONEMENT” in the New Year).  The Atonement was presented to me in the form of Grace, the Grace of God, or a Power Greater than myself, this Grace offered to me free for the taking, as long as I reached out to accept it.  It was introduced to me through a twelve step program which changed my life forever and beyond. This is the primary purpose of this blog, to carry the message to those, within and without the rooms on the Grace of God and the things offered beyond the twelve steps.  Be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter to get the blog directly to your inbox.  Don’t delay, do it today!  


Look for next week’s edition on “THANKSGIVING”.  And be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter to receive it directly you won’t miss a beat.