RECOVERY: How I was able to recapture my life.

Edition 2 Issue #24


Today we’ll talk on recovery, and what this means to me.  I came into recovery broken, a broken man with an empty soul.  A hole in my soul, or hole in my heart, which I, for several years - call it a lifetime, I tried to fill the hole in my soul with substance; I had to fill this hole in my heart with substance, any substance.  I abused of alcohol, this not being enough I completed the numbing with drugs of all sort, prescription, non-prescription, narcotic, amphetamines, methamphetamines, psilocybin and LSD to achieve Enlightenment and communicate with higher beings, uppers, downers, sideways whichever I could get my hands on to change the way I felt, to alter my skewed perception of life.  I didn’t want to be ME! So I altered reality any way I could.


Read more…


Having been exposed to all types of mind-altering substance from pre-teenage, it was just natural to maintain this altered state of reality, and to continually escape the pains of an abusive family.  My father being very violent, not only did I experience the harsh reality of his forefathers’ behavior, but then my older brother took out his inability to fight back the parents by using me as an outlet for his anger and frustration, I, down the chain it went when I did the same to by little brother.  Our good friend in AA; Scotty S. used to repeat in the room: “We do the things we do because we know the things we know!”  And when I entered recovery he so often repeated: “If there is no change, there is no change!”  And from that moment, when Scotty said these words the first time I heard this statement I made up my mind I would change, I would not allow the damage of my past affects my future. I would no longer allow the pain of my ancestors, the behavior of the ‘family of origin’ to follow anymore: The change would start here!  No longer will a (family last name) male from my lineage beat and abuse his children and his family.  The buck stops here! And so it is!




In Alcoholic Anonymous, the big book, in the program of recovery tells us: “we do recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.”  So why a “seemingly hopeless state”?  Because so many of us actually felt the situation hopeless, we were sure there was no hope for us, that life had dealt us a fate beyond comprehension and we would surely die of overdose, cirrhosis of the liver, or some other substance abuse linked fate.  We just couldn’t stop!  For normal people this seems impossible, implausible, or at least improbable, but indeed it is true.
So for those who don’t understand addiction, alcoholism is indeed dis-ease. Medically it is described in the ‘Doctor’s Opinion’ as having 3 characteristics, the allergy, the phenomenon of craving and the Spiritual malady which precedes the 1st drink.

 photo by author     
 Marquis Safety Systems 
 /* Style Definitions */
	{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
	mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
    ©Copyright 2015         All rights reserved

photo by author   ©Copyright 2015      All rights reserved


So let's start with the Spiritual malady which precedes the first drink, or substance: A sense of discomfort an pitting in the stomach, the discontent person seeks solace in an altered state, some crave food, others sex, and some of us drugs and alcohol, yet other companionship and reassuring, read co-dependency.  Oh so many different means to the same end, which one afflicts you? 

Father Placidus, a Benedictine Monk, says it is a sense of separation.  So if we are suffering from a sense of separation from the ONE, separation from the Source of ALL there is, then we are Spiritually unfit and so the discomfort and discontent is our doing. Where do we find solace from the first phase of the illness?  In accepting we are powerless and the one who has all power is God! Now you may chose, in alcoholic anonymous, a God of your understanding and not have to follow a religious doctrine, which is just fine by most of us who entered the fellowship of AA with sadness and the belief either God of our upbringing harmed us, was punishing us for sin, or just plain abandoned us to our fate because we aren’t good enough.  We felt unworthy of Love, we let down our parents, we let down our teachers, and/or our relationships with friends. We were unworthy of God’s Love so we felt abandoned by everyone, by society. We felt abandoned, so empty inside; so angry, and hurt that we couldn’t function as normal people. This is separation (read up on SEPARATION in the April 25, 2015 blog post.  SUBSCRIBE today to be sure to receive the blogs directly to your inbox), the separation we feel from Source is the most drastic and dramatic feeling, yet God does not forsake any of us, we distance ourselves from Source through this (false) feeling of unworthiness.  Every human is a Divine Being, make in the likeness of God and is worthy no matter what has happened or how badly we may have strayed.


What the good doctor Silkworth, a renowned addictions doctor of the time, referred to as the phenomenon of craving is like this:  Have you ever tried to stop; have you said to yourself, or a companion at a party of a club: “This is the last one” only to have another, and then maybe another?  This is the phenomenon of craving the good doctor refers to.  The inability to stop once started. You say this is absurd! Who, in their right mind,  says they shouldn’t have another and then takes it anyway?   Exactly, we alcoholics are no longer in ‘our right mind’ this is the insanity of alcoholism, and thus addiction. And I say it happens to the best of us, sometimes to the point where we feel we are the worst, and hold onto this feeling and ruin not only our lives, but the lives of others as well.


This allergy makes us different form normal people.  We cannot resist even when we know harm has resulted time, and time again.  We continue to do the same over, and over, and over, expecting different results from convincing ourselves: “This time it will be different!” “I’ll not get into trouble like last time, I will control my drink and stop after 2, or 3.”  “I won't misbehave like last time, I will control the amount I take!” Always to get into fights, or blackout drunk to wake the next day dreading to hear whet went on and what trouble I may have caused. How I harmed others when in this state of stupor.  And it happens to so many of us think we do not have a problem, it was a one-off event and will not happen again.  Until the next time when it happens again.

Look for next week’s edition on “POSSIBILITY”.  And be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter to receive it directly you won’t miss a beat.

©Copyright 2015      All rights reserved